I am now realizing that I am the type of mom who just can't do it all, despite that I would love to. Its so hard to admit that or remind myself of it when I am having one of those days where I think I can and get disappointed when it doesn't happen. I am now realizing just how much being pregnant with Willis made it so hard to function the way I normally do. Its like I was working at less than half speed. And my brain wasn't working well. All of the things I enjoyed or wanted to do, create, learn, etc. felt monumentally difficult to do. It was just enough that I got dressed, cleaned some, did school and made dinner.
The second my little guy was born I felt like I had stepped outside of my cocoon and was once again myself. It is so liberating! However as a nice and beautiful me came out so did my wee beautiful baby with needs and desires of his own. And as much as I feel like myself wanting to do it all, I know that babies are only small for small moments. The temptation to do the things I have been dieing to do for a year come when the attention of my small ones are so present in my day.
The second I begin something, someone needs me. Despite the fact that my art has been neglected for a year. I haven't done anything beautiful to my yard since moving here last May, in fact the lawn died a horrible death this year when our pipes burst. It was a bad week and we never did get the grass we did have back to living. Its been a year since I have read a book from beginning to end. My brain isn't able to hold the attention of an entire book when my body is cooking the intelligence of another human being. I guess they just don't work so well together. Before I got pregnant I painted my living room with the hopes of having the entire house decorated and painted by this time. I haven't painted any of the other rooms in this house. The girls got their bunk bed and it was only the deadline of them needing a place to sleep that forced me to finish. I haven't in the last year, scrapbooked, sewed, exercised, sang in a choir or done 90% of the projects I planned to do this time last year.
So while I am feeling myself come alive again with the lust and love for life and all the possibilities that lay before me. The Etsy shop I want to open, the yard sales I want to have, the art I want completed and sold in galleries, etc. I am also having to stop myself and remember that even if I want to, I can't always be super mom. It is a myth that you can have it all. Because as soon as one thing is where you want it, something else will be off balance. And the last thing that should be off balance is my family. I am beyond grateful to be doing the most important thing I can do right now. That is rocking my baby to sleep. Reading to my 3 year old. Studying addition with my 6 year old. Playing Candy Land for the hundredth time whether I want to or not. Giggling, tickling and making pumpkin cookies. And when the baby cries from the back bedroom, dropping it all to show him that he is welcomed and loved. Because "babies don't keep".