Wednesday, February 9, 2011

I Am a Mother

Recently I have been dealing with some interesting internal conversations. The kind of conversations I never used to have. They all have something to do with myself as a mother and they are all NEGATIVE. I have always wanted to be a mom. I have vowed to be a good mom and there are things I knew I wanted to do AS a mom. I felt it was important for me to be home with my kids. Not everyone is able to do that or wants to, but for me, I felt it was important. I also knew I wanted to homeschool my kids. We love learning together and we have a great time. My kids are learning and thriving and so am I.

But these conversations have been going something like this: "Why am I even staying home with my kids it's not even making a difference in their lives" and "I am not able to be the person I really want to be." or "I am not contributing to society." and "I should just go get a job since financially we are tight and I can't provide for my kids like I want to." and "I should just send them to school since I am probably not doing a good job anyway." I have been listening to these thoughts for awhile and sadly I have been believing them. And what has been the result of listening to all of this? I have been very unhappy as a mom and as a person. So I needed to take this matter to the Lord. Why am I losing my convictions as a mother? What is wrong with me? Am I following what is right for us and for my kids? The answers have come a little at a time.

First, the conversations are not the truth and they come not from me but from Satan. He wants me to devalue myself and my important roles as wife and mother. Understanding this has been huge. Second, what I am doing is not unimportant. It is not trivial. I am not JUST a mom. And I have needed some reminders about this. One of those reminders have been in reading the book I Am a Mother by Jane Clayson Johnson. It is a wonderful book that reminds me what is important. Reminding me that mothers don't just cook and clean and wipe messy faces. They are bringing souls to Christ.

One of the things that people say, that the world says and that even those I know have said is that motherhood and even marriage mean that you lose your "identity". Nothing can be further from the truth. Selfishness leads to a loss of identity. Because only through the service of others will we truly find ourselves. As Luke 9:24 says: "For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it." When we serve others we are serving God. I am so grateful to be a mom. I am SO far from being perfect and I make so many mistakes and resolve every day to be better. But I love serving my kids. One day I will wake up to a clean house and a quiet car ride and I know I will miss it.


The Staheli's said...

This is a very interesting post. It's amazing to see how differently people view certain aspects of their life. I am struggling with the opposite side of the spectrum; in valuing myself and womanhood OUTSIDE of being a mother. Much of that has to do with my current situation, of course. But Satan sure does have a way of trying us. I hope you find peace and happiness through all of this.

Harris House said...

Thanks for posting this! I too, have struggled with this same question in my mind. Am I really making a difference in my children's lives, or would I be better off going back to work? Satan does pull us down in our weak moments and wants us to feel like crap! But that's all they are- are weak moments! We are doing good! Our children, though they may not appreciate it or value having us being home with them now, they will later in their lives. And it won't be what job and how much money their mom made that made an impact in their lives, but it will be that their mom was their for them -in the home! I am constantly needing to remind myself that this is true, and I too, commit everyday to be a little better the next day and the next, and the day after that too. Thanks goodness for a loving Savior who loves us and mkes that possible. I am so grateful that we are able to have me be home with our kids. No matter how mundane life gets somedays, I wouldn't trade this for anything. Thanks for you post.

Spring said...

You are a good mom! I recently heard someone compare motherhood to the movie groundhog day. You just do the same thing over and over and you wonder sometimes why you bother. It doesn't seem to make a difference. It is so hard to remember that it does make a huge difference! Thanks for sharing!

Proctor Funk said...

Oh my dear cousin! I think I had this same conversation over and over with myself! I know that for me, I was overwhelmed and tired because I never had time to recharge my batteries. Homeschooling is hard and takes a lot of work and I did not get any time to just be mom, I felt like I was always trying to be teaching something to avoid my kids learning nothing....School has saved my mental stability along with not believing the negative thoughts that Satan shoves our way constantly. I love you! I hope that you are able to feel good about what you are doing! You are doing a great job and you are contributing to society!!! HUGS!!!

jugglingpaynes said...

I don't think there is a mom alive who hasn't questioned their mom-ability, at least among those of us who actually care about what we're doing. I feel blessed I've had the opportunity to stay with my kids and homeschool. It's hard, but anything worthwhile is hard.

Contribute to society? I'm trying to turn out happy capable kids who still have enough creativity in them to make changes happen in the world. I consider that a huge contribution, don't you? :o)

Peace and Laughter,

The Kooky Queen--Rachel said...

We already talked about this, but really you're a fantastic mom!!! :) And now I do really wanna read that book!